Don't Hold Back
by MissNatalia
Summary: Told from Noriko's point of view on their way to America. She's trying to figure out why Shuuya is keeping something from her.Finished 31109 I may write a squel if i get reviews
1. Chapter 1

"Awake, through the years it takes to see you.

Till I almost lose my mind.

Cause I'll never be alright,

And I'm sorry you had to see this.

But I'm such a mess,

And I never could forget. "

**-_Awake,_ Dashboard Confessionals**

"It's all or nothing Shuu. All or nothing. We haven't come this far to give up. For all we've been through only one thing stayed certain and, that's you. Don't hate me for what I did. You can't, I only did it to save you."

Shuuya Nanahara started blankly at me. I had just cornered him coming out of the bathroom of our cabin. We were on a ship heading to America, away from my family, my life. What good would it have been to stay anyway? We are fugitives; the government would kill us before they even looked at us. Shuuya and I we participants in what Japan has begun to call "The Program." A class of 42, 21 girls and 21 boys, 9th graders are chosen at random and brought to a selected place and told to duel to the death. There was no choice even if you didn't play someone else would. Not to mention the metal collars that were set to explode after three days. Only one student wins, the last one standing. Not exactly the study trip we had been hoping for. It turned into the field trip from hell. Some of us were more than willing to play, they had to little to loose, I guess. They're gone now. Shuuya and I are the only survivors. All of our friends are dead, though not by our hands. That's a lie, I did kill one. I had no choice, he was going to kill Shuuya… I know that doesn't make it right, but right is pointless now.

All of my friends are dead. Just thought I would reiterate that point. It's not fair that I lived and so many that were so much stronger than didn't make it. Takao Chisago, the toughest, prettiest girl in our school was killed so early on… She had so much life in her, so much promise. She would have been an Olympic runner one day, I just know it. Sakura Ogawai and Kazuhiko Yamamoto now that was love they would have been together forever… They knew that even if they played and won one of them would have to loose. At least if they died, they reasoned, they died together. Whatever life awaits us after this, I know that Sakura and Kazuhiko are together. The universe wouldn't be so cruel as to separate them.

Why does Shuuya just look at me like that? Why can't he just speak? Hell I could babble on for ages about what happened and never stop. Shuuya acts as though we can't remember. He can't just forget the past, that's as unhealthy as living it. I guess either way you can't win. It's only been three month but it feels like a lifetime ago. He protected me, he and Shogo. Shogo… if there's anyone I miss it's him. Not to under mind the other lives lost, but Shogo's was the different. He saved us. Without him I would have died four times over. He was up in heaven now to, may his soul rest in piece with his beloved Keiko.

I know I sound so whiney. Our little Miss Noriko, the independent one. Our little star. What would my parents say if they could see me now? Alone in a cabin with the boy I'm in love with. Our fake passports listed us as brother and sister, Megan and Jordan Anderson, nice American names. I had kept my ability to speak English quiet for sometime. I'm actually more fluent than I thought it was. It's gotten us both out of a couple straps with customs, let me tell you. So long as the government believes me when I say Shuuya is a mute…

I miss my family so much, just as I know Shuuya misses Ryoko Anno, the woman in charge of his orphanage, his best friends, Yoshitoki Kuninobu, Hiroki Sugimura, and Shinji Mimura. At least I had the comfort in knowing that my family is still alive and well. Even my best friend, as luck would have it wasn't in my class and is fine. As far as I know. The only one he's got left is Miss Anno and myself. He can't pretend after all this time that he doesn't care. I don't understand how he can act so standoffish.

He finished tying the towel around his waist. He had cut his hair and I took to wearing mine up so we stood a better chance of not being recognized. It was also a tribute to Shogo, who had also had his hair nearly shaved. I saw my pigtails as a salute to my cousin, Yuka Nakagawa. No one even knew we were cousins, we really didn't speak. It doesn't mean I don't miss her. He still hadn't spoke, I waited, my eyes not leaving his. I couldn't cry. My tear duct had had it since the Game ended. I stood up.

He didn't speak, he just opened his arms to me and I steeped into them. We stood there for what seemed an eternity. I was more than content to stand there with him holding me. He held me close, protective, and loving, just as he had done in the mini-van with Kazuo Kiryama shooting at us. Would I ever put it behind me? Would I ever be able to do anything without remembering?

"Sweetheart," He finally spoke "Don't worry so much. It'll all work out for the best. We got a lot ahead of us..."

"But I have to. All of this could have been for nothing. 40 kids are dead. DEAD. For us to live? What was the point?"

"I know Nori. It seems pointless but it's not." It was the first time he hadn't called me by my "American" name.

"You're going to become a famous rock star and forget about me, marry some groupie and forget about everything."

"You know that's not going to happen. Don't do this."

"You're keeping something from me." I stepped out of his arms. "I know you are. What else am I suppose to think? I'm not a mind reader how do I know you aren't thinking of a way to ditch me the second we get to America? If I couldn't translate for you who says you wouldn't have by-"

"Stop now Noriko Nakagawa. You are about to say something you can't possibly mean and you are going to regret."

His hand reached up to gently stroke the scar on my check, it was from a bullet that Kiryama had intended to shoot though my head.

"I don't know anything anymore."

"How can you think like that? After everything? I am keeping something for you. I'm sorry, but I am."

We were fighting, we had never fought before. I guess it was bound to happen but, I still hated every second of it.

"Why?"

"Because."

"I'm going to be blunt now. Blunter than I have ever been. I know you love me as much as I love you. Something is holding you back and I've earned the right to know what it is." He turned away from me. Suborn. We've been through hell on earth and he doesn't want me to see him cry.

"You're right. You are 100 right. You disserve to know. But it's only going to hurt us both."

"If you want so badly to protect t me from pain then you shouldn't have-" I stopped, I was going to blame him for Shogo's death. That wasn't fair, it was no ones fault. The fatal gun shot had been from someone we thought dead. "How is it you still don't trust me?" I was hiding behind anger, I figured it was the best bet.

"I do trust you, and I love you more than anything. Damn it. Now am I allowed to feel a little bit of guilt?"

I stayed silent. He was so close to telling me the problem. This was the first time he had ever raised his voice to me.

"He loved you Noriko. Yoshi loved you first. It just feels… like I'm betraying him."

Yoshi? He had barely said two words to be in the past. He'd always acted so shy around me. But Yoshi? I couldn't imagine how Shuuya must be feeling. I know our school representive Yukio Utsumi had a crush on Shuuya but, I wasn't best friends with her. I didn't see her die. I hadn't known her my entire life. Yoshi was just like Shuuya's brother. I couldn't imagine what he must be feeling. I'm such an idiot. Why did I do it? Why did I push him?

"Shuu?..."

"Don't try to make me feel better… I don't want to hear it. I'm sick and tired of trying to feel better."

"Turn around and look at me, please."

"No" I knew I should apologize but, I also knew that I wouldn't. I've always been to proud.

"I'm going to get something to eat. Call me when you're done sulking."

Shuuya didn't sulk, no more than I did. He had every right to. God, sometimes I am just shit. Open mouth, insert foot.


	2. Just a Sentimental Fool

Chapter two is told from Shuuya's point of view. I was going to make it another story, but it makes more sense to do it this way.

Enjoy, reviews much appreciated .

"Shuuya… You're acting like a child, you know that don't you?" I turned around and suddenly I was back at the orphanage. Yoshitoki Kuninobu was sitting on the swing set rocking back and forth. He had a knowing smile on his face and I saw a stern lecture coming on.

"You're the one on the swing set." "Come sit, and listen to me." I did.

"I've missed you buddy." He started, "But I'm not as alone as you seem to think. There're all here. Everyone, Shinji, Kieta, Hiroki, and Hiroki. Even the new kid, Shogo, though from what I understand you knew him pretty well. Almost every one of the girls are here to, except for Mitsuko, but I think we all know where she ended up." He chuckled, "And there's Noriko… of course."

"It was suppose to be you"  
"No it wasn't, and you know it. Even if we hadn't been thrown into this game, she still never would have seen me as anything more than your friend."

"I can't. You loved her. I barely knew her"  
"Things are different now. You know her better than anyone could."

"Why are you being such a good sport about this? It's almost like your forcing me"  
"I'm not forcing anything. It's all up to you; I'm just letting you know you're a damned fool if you let this chance pass you by. You're never going to met someone who will understand, not like she does." I hadn't realized I'd been staring at the ground but, when I looked up Shogo was walking toward use.

"Shuuya, you're a fucking moron sometimes. What did I tell you all along? Do right by her. This isn't right"  
"I know." I looked back down,

"No, you don't know." The voice had changed, I looked up to see Hiroki, arm and arm with Takako. The way that everyone knew it should have been. Love was staring him in the face and he fell for someone else. I didn't know what had changed, but I was glad it did.

"Hiroki?..."

"Don't worry about me or, any of us. We're all fine. Justice does exist"  
"Yes it does. I never tire anymore. I could run for days." Takako said, smiling. "Plus I got him beside me. I couldn't ask for anything better"  
"Right back at you"  
"You know she loves you Shuu, there has never been a doubt. Reach out to her. Work this stupid fight out." It was just like Takako to be so blunt.

"I hear you. All of you."

"You'd better." They all said in.

And then I woke up, everything flooded back to me, the confession, the fight and the anger. I guess it was bound to happen eventually, if it didn't it would have meant we were both unscarred by this whole thing, and that would have been scarier than anything else. I'm just being a sentimental fool. 


	3. Seize The Day

-1Something woke me. I'm not sure what it was. A movement in the room, I'm so jumpy as of late. I turned over and saw Shuuya sitting in a chair watching me. We didn't speak for a moment, just stared at each other.

"I'm sorry Nori, I really am." I sat up and moved over. A moment passed and I tapped the spot on the side of me in bed. Shuuya stood up, walked over and sat down next to me.  
"I should apologize to. You don't sulk. If anything, it's me that does." He opened his arms and I snuggled into them. We both knew there were no words to say at that moment. It was times like this that everything in life seemed worth it. You knew that love existed, even though I know we are both alone… If it's Shuuya and I against the world, then I like my odds. Slipping my arms around his waist, he let me hold him to… People need to realize that that is life, letting yourself be held. To much pride will only stand in the way of moments like this.  
"We've never fought before" I said quietly

"I don't think I like it." I looked up at him and smiled. Suddenly something strange hit me, desire? Wow, you can live again. This was proof. My life wasn't over, I needed to live in the moment…

"Shuuya," I said, running my hand up his chest gently, I could feel his muscles tighten. "I think I should try to teach you some English" he tried to relax, feeling as though he had misread my intentions.

"Okay."   
"They are words that describe us perfectly, the English translation of a Greek saying… Seize the Day. There may not be a tomorrow… live each day as though it's your last."

"Seize the Day" He echoed, with that I kissed him. This was our first kiss, sweet and kind. Love, tenderness and all that was right in the world.

"Does this mean what I think it does?" he looked at me with love in his eyes.  
"Yes" My voice was shaking, my whole body shaking…  
"Only if your sure… 100"

"Shut up and touch me…" I giggled as he obliged, pushing me onto the bed, and laying over me. For once I wasn't afraid… when it was right it was right and my heart told me that time was now.


End file.
